everybody dies

lol the last time i posted something was last year //winkwinkwink

(pls don't pay attention to this)
ok no but hello i have not been drawing in such a long time, and i haven't had motivation either. I'm not kidding one bit by saying I've been in bed 95% of my time. socializing is so terrible for me rn, and i can honestly only talk with my family, minus the eye contact. a lot of my friends are angry at me bc i haven't spoken to them, and when i gave them an apology and a proper explanation as to why i had been so distant, they obvs victimized themselves and made me feel worse. i can't answer phone calls anymore, and i feel like I'm getting a heart attack whenever someone texts me. people keep talking to me, and a lot of the time they try to tell me that they'd gladly listen if i wanna talk. but i don't wanna talk. 
i feel very sick of myself rn and all i wanna do is sleep. today my brother turned 15, and i got this crazy panicking thought that soon i will become 17, and soon i will have to prepare for further studies and job. what do i even apply for, what if I'm too pathetic. can't i just marry rich???/// life is literally scaring the shit out of me and i just want to s l e e p. 

and to just add a bit info; I've been staying of tumblr- kind of. I've liked posts and all, but i can't reblog. I'm scared someone sees something i reblog and try to socialize with me. last time i reflagged something, i got 2 texts involving how i hate them and how shit i make people feel.

i am sorry for being a trash friend.